In American culture, some of the most enduring memories we have from childhood involve water. Afternoons by the pool, jumping off the dock at the lake, and long days at the beach are common experiences for most of us. Our moms and dads often worked hard to create these water activities each year when the weather got warmer. As we have become parents ourselves, we can now see the draw of spending a day by the water.

Yes, many water activities take an immense amount of work to plan and execute, but once you’ve got your towels spread out and the sunscreen smeared on, the entertainment for your kids takes care of itself. With barely a glance, the children run toward the water and make up their own fun for hours, coming up for air only to enjoy some slightly soggy Doritos and a sandwich. Instead of spending a summer day at home with your kids begging you to entertain and feed them, you can burn through several hours with relative ease just by adding water. But sitting by the water involves a dress code that many of us are not comfortable with.

If you’re like me, the older you get, the larger your midsection has become. If you are one of the select few parents of littles who proclaim “I’m in the best shape of my life!” then this isn’t for you. Scram.

For the rest of us, putting on our swimsuits and facing the world becomes more and more of a dreaded experience with each passing year. Without commenting on what is “modest and appropriate” for adults to wear when spending time by the water, I want to encourage you as the summer begins to believe this one important truth: all parents have a beach body. Now, however you clothe that beach body, and what you deem modest and appropriate changes person to person. But I am willing to bet that most of us cover our bodies beyond what we believe is modest in an attempt to hide parts that we are ashamed of. I’m not advocating for you to wear the skimpiest thing you can find, I just think it’s important for us to exude body confidence in front of our kids, even if we don’t feel super confident on the inside.

Many of us struggle to believe that all parents have a beach body because we live in a society where you have to earn the right to wear certain types of clothing. We have been taught that some people have bodies that deserve to wear certain things while others don’t. We’ve all heard someone mutter under their breath harsh judgments about what a stranger is wearing; “I can’t believe they’re wearing those shorts.” For many of us, these judgments were expressed by our own parents about others. These little throw away comments formed a damaging belief in each of us. From childhood, we are inadvertently taught that (1) some people are actively judging others by what clothes they wear and (2) only certain bodies have the right to wear whatever they want. If there is to be any hope that we break this cycle for the next generation, we have to actively work against it.

To begin with, we should be keeping our mouths shut about anyone else’s body. I don’t care if you are at the grocery store or the swimming pool, there is no need to ever say out loud whatever it is you are thinking about another person’s body. Our kids will almost always ignore the important things we want them to hear (“go clean your room!”), but you can guarantee that their little ears will perk up the second we say something under our breath meant only for our partner or some other close adult.

And this doesn’t mean only negative thoughts about others should be kept quiet. If you see a fit mom or dad running up and down the beach with their kids and you make some comment about how you’d “kill to have a body like that,” not only is that an intensely creepy thing to say if you consider how it would sound out of context, you are communicating to your child that some bodies are more desirable than others. I’m not saying there aren’t healthy bodies and unhealthy bodies, or that we should ignore every flaw we have, but your kids don’t need us to teach them how to be jealous of others- they will learn that on their own. If we can keep our covetous thoughts to ourselves, our kids will have one less self-critical example to follow when they reach the age where they start to nitpick everything about their physical appearance.

Without arguing about the morality of internally judging another person’s body (I am not here to police what you believe is right and wrong), I think everyone can agree that our kids are better off not hearing what we have to say about another person’s physique (either good or bad). When we implement a neutrality about the body types of the strangers we see at the beach, our children can enjoy a few more blissful years of not thinking about how other people view their bodies.

Furthermore, it’s important to crush the idea that some people have a right to wear types of clothes that others cannot. If you have religious or moral ideas about what is and is not appropriate to wear, I think those standards are fine to adhere to and teach your children. But if you have one standard for yourself because your body is a certain size and another standard for those that have a slimmer figure, I would encourage you to squash that particular line of thinking. Each year our climate seems to break new records with how hot it is. If you find yourself wearing a blanket to the beach to cover your body out of shame or embarrassment, let this be the year you leave the head-to-toe parka at home. Once again, I am not advocating that you wear a string bikini while you play in the sand with your toddler. I am just asserting that if your children grow up and see that you (1) don’t comment on other people’s bodies and (2) don’t hide your body out of shame, they will be better off.

I think the dream for my kids is that they would be “body neutral.” We have seen the body positivity movement gain much momentum in recent years, and I think in may ways that is great. But I don’t know if positivity is the best goal. What if we were all just body neutral? What if we didn’t talk about the size and shape of our body or the bodies of those we see? What if we talked about having healthy hearts and minds? What if we wore clothes that were most comfortable for the activity? Wearing a full parka while playing in the snow? Awesome. Wearing a full parka while lounging by the pool? Maybe not as awesome. (But with the UV rays growing in intensity, maybe covering up when we aren’t actively swimming is a fine idea.)

All I’m saying is that what we express about our bodies and other peoples’ bodies, combined with how we dress ourselves communicates a lot to our kids. This summer, let’s aim for neutrality- keep our mouths shut when we have thoughts about body shapes and sizes, and wear whatever swimming attire is appropriate for the activity. If all the other dads are enjoying the sun without a shirt on, maybe you don’t have to swim with a 3X tee weighing you down. If all the other moms are playing in the pool without a sarong tied around their waist, maybe the world won’t end if you join them.

And one final word of encouragement: when it’s time to take pictures of your water fun, get in the photos with your kids. In 20 years when your children are looking back at their childhoods through the lens of all the photos living on the cloud, you need to be in the pictures. They need to see mom and dad being confident in their swimsuits. Because they might have kids one day too, and they need to be reminded that every parent has a beach body.

All Parents Have A Beach Body, And Your Kids Need To See It