Parents Don't Have Friends Because Our Communication Sucks

Adult friendships can be a little tricky. Adult friendships when children are in the picture can feel impossible. Recently an NPR producer found me on TikTok and invited me to contribute to a podcast episode geared toward helping parents maintain friendships with their non-parent friends. As I talked through this issue with the reporter, my mind kept coming back to the same truth: relationships live or die based on communication.

Photo by Marco Biasibetti on Unsplash

I almost felt that the advice I was giving was so obvious that it would not prove to be helpful for anyone, but I was pleasantly surprised to listen to the final edit and hear the theme of communication I presented became one of the major points of the episode. It seems that “getting back to the basics” is a strategy that works across a wide spectrum of disciplines, and maintaining adult friendships is no different. Parents are losing friends because they aren’t communicating openly and honestly.

I was chatting on the phone with a young dad recently who was home alone with his son. He said he appreciated the call because he had just been invited out by a buddy for a spontaneous activity, but he had to decline the invitation because it was his son’s nap time. I immediately encouraged him to make sure his friend knows not to give up asking about these last minute hang outs. Instead of simply saying, “sorry, I can’t hang out” to our friends when invited to an activity, parents should add, “but please don’t stop asking. I hope that one day soon I can say yes.”

Without articulating that one crucial bit of information, friends without kids can easily start to assume that we are always busy and will never be able to hang out. Eventually the texts and the phone calls will stop because our buddies will be conditioned to believe that the days of hanging out with us are done. It’s hard to believe, but one day the stars might align, making us available to hang out for a last minute activity. But if we fail to communicate our eagerness to be invited each time we must decline, we might as well close the book on those friendships with our non-parent friends.

Think back to the time before you had kids. Like anyone without children, you were clueless about what life as a parent was actually like. Sure, you could think back to your childhood and recall how your parents lived their lives, but before having kids, we could not fathom the time and energy it takes to be a parent. Our non-parent friends are ignorant to what our daily lives are like. If they ask us multiple different times to hang out and we have to pass because we are too busy (or too tired), what do you think those friends will start to believe? They will begin to internalize the belief that, until the kids graduate, we are unavailable. They don’t know that parenting is seasonal. They don’t understand that right now your child may be experiencing sleep regression, bringing a level of exhaustion that makes the idea of grabbing a quick drink after work seem impossible. They don’t know that if they check back in with you in a few months your child will be a completely different human- sometimes for worse, but often times for better. Tell your friend when you are suffering in the trenches, but assure them that you think there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Ask them to circle back soon, but also promise to reach out to them when things quiet down a bit.

Friendships are a two-way street.

And the street for parent and non-parent friendships is paved with intentionality from both sides. Sure, our non-parent friends should commit to not giving up on us. I do not think it is unreasonable to expect that the men and women we have built bonds with over the past several years would be faithful to keep inviting us out, even when they feel in their heart the answer will be no. But it isn’t all on them. When you have a moment to come up for air while swimming along as a parent, reach out to the non-parent friends you care about. Even if you don’t really feel up for socializing in that moment, if you want to see these people on the other side of the parenting chaos, you’ve got to make time for them. It cannot be their job entirely to create the opportunities for you to hang out while you just pick and choose when to join them. And you can’t get your feelings hurt if they are busy when you aren’t. Just because they are childless does not mean they don’t have other things going on. Adult friendships are inherently difficult because all of our schedules (with and without kids) are chaotic, unpredictable, and demanding. In the same way you hope they won’t give up on you, you shouldn’t give up on them. And you must remember one really important fact that is easy to forget:

You have to make time for adult friendships.

Whether you have kids or not, the days of casually hanging out are long gone. Our college years spoiled most of us. With similar schedules, home locations, and responsibilities, it took little to no effort to meet up with friends. Literally every weekend you could find an opportunity to spend time with people you liked. Adulthood truly destroyed that. And then some of us had kids.

If you are fortunate enough to be parenting with a dependable partner, with a little bit of give and take, each of you can find some time to hang out with adult friends, without kids, and without hiring a babysitter. Parents should utilize what I like to call “PTO” or “Parent Time Off.”

A couple of years ago a friend sent me a video of a creator who was espousing this idea, and I immediately latched on. Like most things online, I cannot figure out who first had this idea, but I hope that at least admitting that I did not come up with Parent Time Off is enough to ward off any bad vibes for not appropriately attributing the inception of the concept.

Basically, every week each parent should have the freedom to completely ditch their family for an evening. Without apologies or offering help, both parents should have the freedom to spend one night a week free of parenting duties. Ideally, this is a scheduled night of the week, and not just you walking out the door when you feel like it. But if that works for you and your partner, who am I to judge? You may plan a standing guys/girls night, go to your favorite store alone, or just sit in your car and scream into the void for the evening. Whatever you do, you should be able to do it guilt free and, at least on some weeks, you should use the time to invest in your friends.

Once a month, each parent should be able to abandon all family obligations for a full day. What you do with that day is up to you, but you should take the day to be away from the kids. Ideally, you use this day strategically to build and/or maintain some adult friendships. If you end up taking the same day each month (i.e. the first Saturday), you could easily work out a mutually beneficial schedule to spend time with the people you miss the most.

Finally, once a year, each parent could benefit from taking a weekend away. If preferred, the parent with the parenting duty for the weekend could take the children away if you would rather stay home for your annual PTO weekend. Regardless, guilt free, each parent should be able to plan a weekend once a year where they can pretend they aren’t a parent for a couple of days. Most often, the weekend of PTO can be shared with one or more adult friends. Since it happens once a year, it should not be too difficult to find a date that works for one or more of your close friends (or family members that feel like friends).

But PTO does not roll over, so you’ve got to use it. As a parent, it is never a great time to abandon your family in order for you to get some quality time with your friends. It will hardly ever be easy for the parent left alone with the children. You may even feel selfish in some ways for taking this time for yourself. That is dumb. We need adult friendships to keep our sanity, and adult friendships take intentional and meaningful time to cultivate and maintain. You will be a better parent if you have friends. It is in everyone’s best interest for you to take some time away, and you will be happier for the effort you put in to make these moments happen with those that you love.

I recently returned from a weekend in NYC visiting my older brother, and it was perfect. It was shocking how much a relationship can grow with only 48 hours of uninterrupted (childless) time together. For almost a decade now, our only time together has been in the presence of my kids. Whether it was for the holidays or casual visits, the children were always right under our feet. Having meaningful adult conversations with my brother did not happen until I visited him for the first time on my own last year. And upon returning from my recent trip, my wife had already booked a weekend coming up with someone she cares about. We both are taking time to care for friendships that are meaningful for us, and it would have never happened if we hadn’t ditched the feelings of guilt that are often associated with taking time for yourself.

When you carve out the time to nurture relationships with those you care about, parenting gets easier. Loneliness dissipates little by little with every meaningful encounter we have with the adults we love most. A dinner once a week, an all day activity once a month, and a weekend away with adult friends will work miracles in your heart and mind. But these things do not happen without effort, and open communication. Not only do we need to be open and honest with our friends about what we need in order to keep our relationship with them strong, we need to talk honestly with our partners too. Bring up the idea of PTO and see what happens. If your partner is supportive of you taking some time but a bit reluctant to completely jump on board, it is possible that you should take the first step. I guarantee that when you get back from your first night out they will not hesitate to get their first evening of PTO on the calendar. And then you will settle into a nice rhythm where each of you are making time to prioritize your adult friendships. But none of this is possible if you don’t open up and start communicating.